20 June 2012

celiac disease can go crawl in a hole and die right now

I have a stuffy headache, my vision blurs easily, my neck is stiff, my muscles and joints hurt, I'm constipated, I can't stop sleeping, and when I am awake I can't move and am groggy as hell, my gums are bleeding, my stomach is filled with gas...

I took a lot of minor risks over my vacation, eating things I ordinarily wouldn't--chomping into an apple without washing it first, for example, or one time eating at a restaurant I didn't quite trust regarding cross-contamination, even though the ingredients were fine to eat. I ate out of grocery stores, but did overdose a bit on gluten-free processed foods, which can also cause problems in high doses like that, or so I've heard from other celiacs (they're required to be < 20 ppm of gluten in Europe, but if they're all hovering at like 18 ppm, they can accumulate in the body till your effed up immune system discovers the trace gluten and goes on attack)

Due to the slight relaxation of my food paranoia, it was inevitable that something eventually take me down. I suppose I should be glad that I'm home and can afford the luxury of sleeping all day and squinting at the internet in bed when not asleep.

I cannot tell you guys how much I hate this disease. I've worked hard to mentally divorce myself from my previous love of food, and sometimes succeed at this. But I can't tell you just how much I want to go out and buy an effing sandwich at a deli and eat it, or chow down on a Starbucks scone. Usually I'm all right, but every once in a while when someone eats something I can't in front of me, I get so jealous I want to cry or throw up. Especially things like ice cream. Pizza. Cheesy pasta with cream sauce.

It's hard to travel and have to forgo all restaurants in favour of potato crisps and tinned fish from tesco. To never eat proper fish and chips in Ireland/the UK 'cause the only places that do it gluten-free put soya flour in the batter. To go on vacation and ask people's advice for what you should do and get endless recommendations for what restaurants you should go eat at, when you know you'd never safely eat at these places in a million years. To stay in a hostel with a free breakfast that consists entirely of cereal and toast.

The world is filled with poison. I'm like a dog who loves the taste of antifreeze. Sweet, but deadly. At least I'm smart enough to turn away and say no--except, despite my best attempts, sometimes a bit of poison finds its way inside me after all, because the world is filled with it and I'm an idiot to think it's possible to avoid every rogue crumb that seeks to do me in.


Fuck you, gluten.

the end.

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