celiac disease can go crawl in a hole and die right now

I have a stuffy headache, my vision blurs easily, my neck is stiff, my muscles and joints hurt, I'm constipated, I can't stop sleeping, and when I am awake I can't move and am groggy as hell, my gums are bleeding, my stomach is filled with gas...

I took a lot of minor risks over my vacation, eating things I ordinarily wouldn't--chomping into an apple without washing it first, for example, or one time eating at a restaurant I didn't quite trust regarding cross-contamination, even though the ingredients were fine to eat. I ate out of grocery stores, but did overdose a bit on gluten-free processed foods, which can also cause problems in high doses like that, or so I've heard from other celiacs (they're required to be < 20 ppm of gluten in Europe, but if they're all hovering at like 18 ppm, they can accumulate in the body till your effed up immune system discovers the trace gluten and goes on attack)

Due to the slight relaxation of my food paranoia, it was inevitable that something eventually take me down. I suppose I should be glad that I'm home and can afford the luxury of sleeping all day and squinting at the internet in bed when not asleep.

I cannot tell you guys how much I hate this disease. I've worked hard to mentally divorce myself from my previous love of food, and sometimes succeed at this. But I can't tell you just how much I want to go out and buy an effing sandwich at a deli and eat it, or chow down on a Starbucks scone. Usually I'm all right, but every once in a while when someone eats something I can't in front of me, I get so jealous I want to cry or throw up. Especially things like ice cream. Pizza. Cheesy pasta with cream sauce.

It's hard to travel and have to forgo all restaurants in favour of potato crisps and tinned fish from tesco. To never eat proper fish and chips in Ireland/the UK 'cause the only places that do it gluten-free put soya flour in the batter. To go on vacation and ask people's advice for what you should do and get endless recommendations for what restaurants you should go eat at, when you know you'd never safely eat at these places in a million years. To stay in a hostel with a free breakfast that consists entirely of cereal and toast.

The world is filled with poison. I'm like a dog who loves the taste of antifreeze. Sweet, but deadly. At least I'm smart enough to turn away and say no--except, despite my best attempts, sometimes a bit of poison finds its way inside me after all, because the world is filled with it and I'm an idiot to think it's possible to avoid every rogue crumb that seeks to do me in.

LANGUAGE WARNING










Fuck you, gluten.



the end.

I hate myself so effing much right now

Halfway home today, I check on the bag that is on the back of my bike and it is gone.

It is a black mary kay bag made out of cloth. Inside it was a pair of nice shoes from Marks and Spencer, my suitjacket, my grey fleece vest with the broken zip, and the denim purse that my sister hand-made for me out of overalls.

Inside the purse was my American Passport, my sony camera and two memory cards/batteries w/ a swiss army carrying case, three USB keys with varying amounts of data on them (things like backups of my art, backups of my IDs and passport, which is stupid; why did I keep them in the same place?! fuck), a map of Dublin and some other paperwork including a jotter pad with all my to-do lists on it--AND a few passwords and bank details written down (but not enough to be used, I don't think), pens, pencils, erasers, and my wallet.

Inside my wallet was my Texas drivers' license, my GNIB card (which, iirc, costs 250 euro to replace), my two American credit cards, my Irish debit card, my membership cards to various shops, my glasses cleaning cloth, my library card, my proof of insurance card, a few notes and people's business cards. There was no paper cash in it, but probably five to ten euro worth of coins in the zipper pocket.

I don't know if the bag fell off the bike or if it was swiped off the bike when I was stopped at lights. I reported it to the guardai and they gave me a form that said it was a loss. They have my phone number and address, along with a description of the items inside, so if anybody turns it in, the bag will find me again.

I have a feeling that if the bag turns up, then it fell off the bike. If it never turns up, it was probably stolen from the bike.

All this happened because I was too lazy to tie the handles of the bag into a real knot. "oh, it's never fallen off before, and I'm just going home, which isn't far." I'm a fucking idiot and I hate myself for being too lazy to tie a fucking double knot in order to protect all my shit on my way home. The bike has a little spring-clasp thing which is all I used.

I don't care about most of the stuff, but the purse my sister made me? hell yes. My fucking CAMERA? Also I don't have 250 euro to buy another fucking GNIB card without dipping into my savings. I also want the data on those USB keys, and my PASSPORT. On top of all this, I was planning on going grocery shopping today but I have no access to any of my money because my cards are all gone (I'm about to cancel the American ones; I'll cancel the Irish one tomorrow. it requires a PIN to use tho so I'm not too worried about it). Which means the only food I can pick from is lentils, brussels sprouts, white rice, and protein powder.

Thank God my keys and my cell phone were in my pockets. And that my bicycle was under my ass. I am really tempted to hurt myself right now in order to "punish" myself for being so stupid.

Today was a really bad day. I woke up two hours later than normal, which meant I had ten minutes to get ready for work and I was STILL gonna be late. I skipped breakfast, hoofed it, and then got pulled over by a guard for running a red light (it was only for pedestrians and none were coming and I was running late). He took my ID then gave me a stern warning. Work was really nice about it--the working hours are flexible anyway--but all I had to eat was a nut'n'puffed rice bar and a cup of tea. then later I hit myself in the face with the bathroom door and put a permanent scratch on the left lens of my glasses, right in the middle where it can interfere with my vision if I look at it wrong.

I cried so much in public today, and I HATE doing that.

Please pray that my bag really did just fall off, and that whoever saw it fall is a decent human being who will turn it in to the guards. Please, God, let my faith in humanity be affirmed or restored.

What do I do? How long should I wait before I start replacing the things that I lost? And how can I even DO that without access to my money?