14 February 2014

Something that makes me sad

I'm struggling with chronic fatigue issues and that is why this blog falls by the wayside. Apologies to my mama, and anyone else who reads this.

I had to leave work an hour early today in order to come home and sleep because I was so tired I couldn't concentrate. I had gotten 9 full hours of sleep the night before. I get 8 - 10 hours of sleep every night purposefully, but despite this have hypersomnia some days where I can't stop sleeping/taking naps because no matter how much I sleep or don't sleep, I still feel tired. This fatigue can cause anxiety, panic attacks, and super drastic mood swings on top of hypersomnia, migraines, and muscle aches.

I've been thinking about something because of this. My energy levels are really low. All I can manage in a day is to go to work, do a half-assed job, and come home. At home I eat a simple supper, then lie in bed with my computer and faff about on the internet a little while before going to sleep early. I don't have the energy to leave the house and do things like laundry, or even to wash dishes, so I save that kind of thing for the weekend. Sometimes I have to take sick days or leave work early because of these issues.

Normal people usually work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours, and have 8 hours a day to live their normal lives, do their hobbies, hang with their friends. Normal people leave their house on weekends and go do things. I basically have 8 hours worth of energy a day, and then spend the rest of the day sitting to eat or lying down or sleeping.

The way Americorps works you get 10 vacation days and 10 sick days to use. If you're sick more than 10 days you have to start using vacation days.

Being sick is a shitty vacation. Imagine you're sick for 15 days so you only get 5 days of vacation, and a healthy person who feels great all year gets 10 days.

As a sickly person I'm expected to work just as much as a healthy person, that full 8 hour day, and to prioritize work over personal projects and personal activities. And it makes me sad. Because if I spend 8 hours working, 12 hours sleeping, and 4 hours uselessly lying around wishing my head didn't hurt so much, I don't get the kind of productive personal time that a healthy person gets.

 I'm jealous of people who aren't tired all the time. I'm really frustrated with the way things are working out. I don't mind working, I really don't. But imagine that you only have like 7 hours worth of energy in a day and you have to use 8 hours working to make money so that you can have a place to sleep at night and food to eat so you can repeat the process.

I feel like, if I could work a 30-hour week instead of a 40-hour one I wouldn't be so gorram depressed about everything.

idk. peace.

1 comment:

  1. :(

    That really sucks. But...thank you for taking the time to post. Sorry I don't check in and give this blog some love; there's a lotta posts I've yet to read and comment on.

    I'll drop a friendly word sometime if I see you on. Or maybe even if I don't, I figure you'll get it eventually.