17 December 2012


Today seems like the kind of day doing its best to make me cry.
I don't want December, and I don't want Christmas. I'm angry at myself for procrastinating away November and for all the mistakes I make at work. Everything is confusing these days. I don't know what I believe in and feel disingenuous for how fervently I used to believe things that I don't believe anymore. Work is more stressful than it needs to be because I actually care about doing a good job and my perfectionism here kills me.
Christmas isn't going to be "the same" this year. I want to be left alone for Christmas. I want to give presents at New Year's instead and just hide away on Christmas day and be alone. is that mean or miserly to want that? 
I'm sure I'll be over it soon enough.

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie you have to know that I understand a lot of what you are going through. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have every right to question things, even beliefs that you have long held to be true. Just keep patiently working it through. As for Christmas, I have a lot of issues with that as well. As a child, it was a magical time. As a parent with small children it was a chance to relive that magical time. Now, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. It is more about stress, crass commercialization, and interactions with family that are not always pleasant. For several years now it has tended to be something I just try to think about as little as possible until it is over. Maybe someday I will find a balance, but for now I just don't worry too much. Just don't feel like you have to force yourself to feel (or fake feeling) emotions that you do not have over the holidays. That will only make things worse. Try to focus on the beautiful things (music, Christmas lights, the joy of giving) and let the other stuff go for now. Love, Mama
    PS: I know that since it is another food-related holiday that doesn't help, but we will work on that English Toffee recipe and see what we come up with!