I can see why Andy stayed. I miss everyone.
Writer Henri Nouwen wrote that everyone exists on a series of continua, one of which is the continuum between solitude and loneliness. Every human being is, essentially, alone. We're locked up in our skulls and in our ribcages, where no other human being can ever truly reach us. I can tell you what I am thinking, but you cannot read my mind--and I can never know what it is like to be you, what it is like to suffer the way you suffer, or rejoice the way you rejoice. Every human being's sphere of raw experience and consciousness is entirely unique.
When I am experiencing mostly solitude, I am content no matter what my circumstances. I enjoy my long and sometimes aimless walks, picking out the little things, the untold stories, signs of life and death and everything in-between, with open eyes and curious mind. I write, or draw, or sit in my one-room flat drinking tea and reading books. I don't need other people to make me feel better or more in touch with things. I am happy to exist.
When I am experiencing mostly loneliness, I miss all the people I have been blessed to know in my unsettled life. I miss the company of dear friends whom I have had to bid farewell, and may never see again--or at least not for many years. I want to travel back in time:
back to ASIJ, where I will act again in plays, enjoy my challenging classes, socialise with my diverse and ever-entertaining group of friends (who took to me for reasons I still cannot fathom)
back to A&M, where I will walk and bike and sweat in the heat, where I will talk about liturgy and music with my Catholic friends and go to Mass and pray and experience God deeply for the first time in many years--where I will beat back my depression so that it never comes and I will not wantonly scarify myself and lash out at friends who want nothing more than to help
back to Alaska, where I will pray and grow closer to my Godparents and friends, where I will socialise with people my age on a regular basis, where I will climb mountains and breathe deeply of unpolluted air, where I will grow closer to people whom I kept at a distance due to my complicated relationship with Eli at the time, where I will not spend a single second worrying about romance, where I will do better at my daycare job and bond with the children more and act in such a way that no amount of oestrogen-fuelled drama can reach me from my coworkers when there's so much joy to be had in the world and can't they see it when they walk out the front doors and the snowy mountains spread out before them on the horizon
back to Franciscan University, where I will take back my health from ignorance and have the energy to do the things I always wanted to do, where I will break up with Eli before ever going over so that I can enjoy the school and his company as a friend without so much angst and heartbreak--where I will take things slower, work harder in my classes so that I will learn more and do better work, spend more time with the wonderful people that I came to know too late, arrange my schedule properly so that I do end up with a Sacred Music minor and not a wimpy almost-minor, talk and interact with people and professors I was too shy to approach until it was time to leave
and on the feelings go.
I am very glad that I came to Dublin. Even though I have not left the city yet, what I have experienced already has made the trip and the money I have spent completely worth it. And I am not even two months into my twelve month stay.
But I can see why my friend Andy stayed in Steubenville even after his graduation, and now that certain things are happening back at my alma mater (which I will write about later, I am sure), I find myself wishing I had stayed. Just for a little while longer. Just so that I could hug Francine one more time, stay up all night again talking to my Nan, lean on Dr. Smith's paternal care, grin as Dr. Weber sweeps into class with all his delightfully eccentric energy and starts teaching us how to perceive music's skeleton. I would like to work harder on my thesis with Dr. Craig, converse more with Dr. Sunyoger to bridge the gap between the verbal and nonverbal, enjoy the rambling lectures of a certain Dr. Holmes. I'd like to be a punkass kid with Scott and Eric and David again. Make tribbles with MK. Play soprano sax in the pep band because God knows I wouldn't touch my instrument otherwise.
But everything comes to and end, and that is that. When I am moved toward solitude again, I will start living in the now, which is the best and only place to be.
pax.
29 October 2011
19 October 2011
information assembly line
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search--refer?!--decision details, override, accept: new spec phone, OK, clear
purple text in the excel spreadsheet (JAM WAS HERE DAMMIT), green green green green above it
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, cancelled! ...oh. red text.
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search--refer?!--decision details, override, accept: NO NOT accept + alternate, the system will freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze
AUGH little running phone man, I hate you
copy, paste, search--refer?! OK OK.
Why are all these 50-75 year olds buying iPhones? My world...
haha what do 17 year olds want with insurance and why do they think we'll give it to them?? DECLINED and red text
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
and report back to J---- when you're done.
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search--refer?!--decision details, override, accept: new spec phone, OK, clear
purple text in the excel spreadsheet (JAM WAS HERE DAMMIT), green green green green above it
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, cancelled! ...oh. red text.
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search--refer?!--decision details, override, accept: NO NOT accept + alternate, the system will freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze
AUGH little running phone man, I hate you
copy, paste, search--refer?! OK OK.
Why are all these 50-75 year olds buying iPhones? My world...
haha what do 17 year olds want with insurance and why do they think we'll give it to them?? DECLINED and red text
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
copy, paste, search, accept?, clear
and report back to J---- when you're done.
10 October 2011
jibs and jobs
Okay, so I don't have a walking tour of my apt yet, because I need to resize files of pictures I took and am being--lazy? busy? one of the two.
Just wanted to let you guys know that I am now employed! I work at a technology insurance company double-checking pdf files to make sure they have the right names, addresses, prices, etc. on them. The job is very tedious and nearly unnecessary as I've been assured that 99% of the time everything is correct. But there is that 1% to deal with, which is where I come in. The people at the office are really nice--I like them already--and the job will be pretty sweet for as long as it lasts, as it's 20 hours-ish a week and pays a good bit above minimum wage. I hope it does stay 4 hours a day... if I finish quicker it may be less... or it may be more... depending. I dress in a suit-jacket with cool brown-and-black heels that I bought (omg heels. on me. I know. but they are small heels...) on sale at Marks and Spencer, and I have my own desk! This is the first time I've had my own desk! I always shared before. Such an official and professional, corporate, job. I will try to make them proud.
I also double-checked with LUSH today, since I hadn't heard back from them about my trial shift. Turns out I got the Christmas temping job! But the position does not start until November, so I will need to check back with them about it around the 25th-ish of this month if they haven't contacted me first. The office job's hours will be rather flexible and there aren't any on weekends so it will be easy to work both that and LUSH. I'm really excited about LUSH, too! There's all these cool Christmas things in that I have to stop myself from buying, new seasonal soaps and whatnot... I will get a really hefty employee discount once I start work there, so I need to hold off until I start and then BUY ALL THE THINGS. Which I will TOTALLY do. The ingredients are pure, simple, and essentially guilt-free, and while the products are expensive, they are very good quality and totally worth it. Plus I haven't seen anything there with gluten or soya (except one shower gel with wheatgrass I think). yaaaay
Speaking of food... I am currently fighting depression concerning/caused by food. Yesterday I was having terrible symptoms and wanted to kick down every sign with bread on it--run into grocery stores and upturn shelves and shelves of things that are poisonous to me. Of course I would never do such things but I was feeling really horrible. I will write an entry about food later, perhaps. I want this entry to be the good news, and not the emo news. Suffice to say I hate food and if I could stop eating tomorrow without slowly starving to death, I would--happily; it would be an immense relief.
That's all for now. Jam is going to get paid soon! Then I can start exploring the countryside, or at least start going to cool museums and things in Dublin. Yay~
pax.
Just wanted to let you guys know that I am now employed! I work at a technology insurance company double-checking pdf files to make sure they have the right names, addresses, prices, etc. on them. The job is very tedious and nearly unnecessary as I've been assured that 99% of the time everything is correct. But there is that 1% to deal with, which is where I come in. The people at the office are really nice--I like them already--and the job will be pretty sweet for as long as it lasts, as it's 20 hours-ish a week and pays a good bit above minimum wage. I hope it does stay 4 hours a day... if I finish quicker it may be less... or it may be more... depending. I dress in a suit-jacket with cool brown-and-black heels that I bought (omg heels. on me. I know. but they are small heels...) on sale at Marks and Spencer, and I have my own desk! This is the first time I've had my own desk! I always shared before. Such an official and professional, corporate, job. I will try to make them proud.
I also double-checked with LUSH today, since I hadn't heard back from them about my trial shift. Turns out I got the Christmas temping job! But the position does not start until November, so I will need to check back with them about it around the 25th-ish of this month if they haven't contacted me first. The office job's hours will be rather flexible and there aren't any on weekends so it will be easy to work both that and LUSH. I'm really excited about LUSH, too! There's all these cool Christmas things in that I have to stop myself from buying, new seasonal soaps and whatnot... I will get a really hefty employee discount once I start work there, so I need to hold off until I start and then BUY ALL THE THINGS. Which I will TOTALLY do. The ingredients are pure, simple, and essentially guilt-free, and while the products are expensive, they are very good quality and totally worth it. Plus I haven't seen anything there with gluten or soya (except one shower gel with wheatgrass I think). yaaaay
Speaking of food... I am currently fighting depression concerning/caused by food. Yesterday I was having terrible symptoms and wanted to kick down every sign with bread on it--run into grocery stores and upturn shelves and shelves of things that are poisonous to me. Of course I would never do such things but I was feeling really horrible. I will write an entry about food later, perhaps. I want this entry to be the good news, and not the emo news. Suffice to say I hate food and if I could stop eating tomorrow without slowly starving to death, I would--happily; it would be an immense relief.
That's all for now. Jam is going to get paid soon! Then I can start exploring the countryside, or at least start going to cool museums and things in Dublin. Yay~
pax.
22 September 2011
update
I am totally in love with my new flat.
I hardly have anything in it--had to buy everything fresh. Three bowls, five spoons, two mugs, three tupperware, two pots and one pan (with one handle between them), three wooden spoon-spatulas, one whistling kettle, a handful of hangers. It's doing me all right so far. Just bought an iron as well for 14 euro--dunno if it works yet. Hey, can you use your bed as an ironing board??
I need to go through and edit my pictures of it, but I will post a walking tour in a few days.
As far as internet goes, the girl downstairs has not gotten back to me about sharing cost, so for now I either use the internet at USIT (which is available at half ten to five, Monday thru Friday) or at the library down the street from my flat (which has different opening hours every day, and is closed on Sunday). The internet is slow and ragged, but it works. I hope to be a bit more creatively productive during quiet evenings at home, since I won't be online. We'll see how that goes.
I'm not feeling terribly well today, so I'm not applying to jobs, just having a lazy day in, with a bit of shopping to furnish my flat better. I did call a 2nd temping agency which may be promising as far as my jobhunt goes. They have a breakfast temping program where you stay in their office and eat breakfast/hang out from 0800 to 1030, and have first pick of any jobs that come up that day. If no jobs come up, you go home, but are at the top of the call list for the rest of the day. As soon as I can get registered and interviewed by them (they *should* call me back tomorrow). I plan on doing that every day I can. Applying in shops and restaurants has been useless thus far, because I don't have any real experience in any of those fields, so no one is biting.
I did get an interesting call back just now from a proofreading company that I applied to recently. It seems like a one-lady business, but she said if she gets too much (which she does sometimes) she will forward me the 1st page of something, and if I proof it properly I can get the whole thing and set my own fee for proofing it. I'm still going to try and break into the copyediting field even whilst here... probably should brush up on the myriad differences between American and British English, eheh... I mean, I know a lot of it, but I'm sure I don't know everything. We'll see how that goes as well.
My dream would be to work in an Irish pub or restaurant, or in a butcher's or some nearby shop where locals stream in and out constantly and I can get a feel for what it is like to live and work in IRELAND as opposed to anywhere else in the world. But, work is work, and I will take whatever I can get. I still will get to live here and explore from my "home base" of this wonderful Dublin bedsit.
I can't wait to get a job so that I can start exploring Ireland on my days off. I need the security of a job to feel stable while romping around the countryside--it's a thing about me; I hate being unemployed. But my deadline of one month till job ifallgoesaccordingtoplan hasn't passed yet, so I'm not going to activate worry-mode yet.
I'm not being particularly interesting right now, so I will cut this short. Walking tour of my apartment is next in the queue.
pax.
I hardly have anything in it--had to buy everything fresh. Three bowls, five spoons, two mugs, three tupperware, two pots and one pan (with one handle between them), three wooden spoon-spatulas, one whistling kettle, a handful of hangers. It's doing me all right so far. Just bought an iron as well for 14 euro--dunno if it works yet. Hey, can you use your bed as an ironing board??
I need to go through and edit my pictures of it, but I will post a walking tour in a few days.
As far as internet goes, the girl downstairs has not gotten back to me about sharing cost, so for now I either use the internet at USIT (which is available at half ten to five, Monday thru Friday) or at the library down the street from my flat (which has different opening hours every day, and is closed on Sunday). The internet is slow and ragged, but it works. I hope to be a bit more creatively productive during quiet evenings at home, since I won't be online. We'll see how that goes.
I'm not feeling terribly well today, so I'm not applying to jobs, just having a lazy day in, with a bit of shopping to furnish my flat better. I did call a 2nd temping agency which may be promising as far as my jobhunt goes. They have a breakfast temping program where you stay in their office and eat breakfast/hang out from 0800 to 1030, and have first pick of any jobs that come up that day. If no jobs come up, you go home, but are at the top of the call list for the rest of the day. As soon as I can get registered and interviewed by them (they *should* call me back tomorrow). I plan on doing that every day I can. Applying in shops and restaurants has been useless thus far, because I don't have any real experience in any of those fields, so no one is biting.
I did get an interesting call back just now from a proofreading company that I applied to recently. It seems like a one-lady business, but she said if she gets too much (which she does sometimes) she will forward me the 1st page of something, and if I proof it properly I can get the whole thing and set my own fee for proofing it. I'm still going to try and break into the copyediting field even whilst here... probably should brush up on the myriad differences between American and British English, eheh... I mean, I know a lot of it, but I'm sure I don't know everything. We'll see how that goes as well.
My dream would be to work in an Irish pub or restaurant, or in a butcher's or some nearby shop where locals stream in and out constantly and I can get a feel for what it is like to live and work in IRELAND as opposed to anywhere else in the world. But, work is work, and I will take whatever I can get. I still will get to live here and explore from my "home base" of this wonderful Dublin bedsit.
I can't wait to get a job so that I can start exploring Ireland on my days off. I need the security of a job to feel stable while romping around the countryside--it's a thing about me; I hate being unemployed. But my deadline of one month till job ifallgoesaccordingtoplan hasn't passed yet, so I'm not going to activate worry-mode yet.
I'm not being particularly interesting right now, so I will cut this short. Walking tour of my apartment is next in the queue.
pax.
10 September 2011
seagulls
I have spent most of my life in Japan, Hawaii, Alaska... it was so weird to be inland in Colorado and see a blue horizon and think it was the sea but it wasn't. I'm not a huge fan of boats and swimming at beaches, and I don't fish or surf or scuba-dive or do anything particularly related to the sea, but I love seafood and I love talking walks on docks and along the shore. There's something free and open and wild about the sea that I love.
Not the biggest fan of gulls this afternoon, though, when I was trying to take a nap (I think jetlag is finally starting to catch up with me. Or maybe it was all that dancing last night). Gull stood right outside my window and made this pitiful gull-noise for like fifteen minutes... I took a little video of him for the last few seconds. Here it is:
I'm slowly getting accustomed to Dublin. Know where the best shopping is and so forth. I applied to 5 jobs yesterday (pathetic, I know) and I have an interview with a temping agency on Monday. I'm going to relax and explore this weekend, take some pictures maybe, and then really get crackin' on job stuff on Monday after my interview. Then, at the end of my first week at the hostel, I'll rebook for another week and spend that week finding a decent apartment since I'll have sorta tested the job waters beforehand. We'll see, we'll see.
All I know is I have to start eating better at some point. Mostly all I eat is breakfast at the hostel (canned fruit and boiled eggs and tea, everything else has gluten in) and cheap fruit that I buy at little stands on Moore street. And rice and canned peas. There is a tesco dwn the street though, with good cheap whole foods so I'll be all right. I'm just too lazy to cook is all.
pax.
07 September 2011
touchdown
I am, at this very moment, in downtown Dublin. Aston Quay, to be specific. I have registered for my orientation tomorrow at 11 o'clock here in the BUNAC office, whose free internet I am using. After the orientation I will register with the immigration Bureau and begin my job- and flat-hunt.
So far my experience of Ireland has been awesome--minus one thing. Daddy convinced me not to take a regular suitcase, just two backpacks--a hiking backpack and his rucksack, and I added a stuff sack to the top of the hiking backpack because I had just a little more stuff to put in. Since I am going to stay here for a YEAR, after all. Total amount of stuff I have brought: 72 lbs. Now, it is very low maintenance to bring less than you weigh in stuff to live somewhere for a year, BUT... the most I should be carrying on my back for any length of time is only about 40 lbs, not freakin' 70. Since I have no wheels, I had to carry it all... on the bus, down the street... my neck and shoulders hate me now. The stuff is now (somewhat) safely stowed at my hostel, which I can check in to at 14:00 (it's 11:00 now), but man it was hard to haul up here.
And I had help. I asked a gentle old man directions to Aston Quay and he walked there with me, warning me about pickpockets and charlatans and telling me about cheap places to buy food and telling me that there were cheaper hostels I could've picked than the one I did. He was really sweet and nice and when we were halfway to my hostel he insisted he take my 30 lb backpack and he seriously carried it all the way to the hostel for me, and left a lot of parting advice. He's gonna be playing Irish music on Grafton Street today and tomorrow, so I'm going to look for him again and try to find him and say hello. And maybe get more advice--it was hard to hear him in the street with his accent and quiet voice so I only got like half of what he said.
I saw some little wheely grocery carry things for €10 on the way down here. idk if I can remember where to find them but at least my stuff sack and a slightly-unpacked rucksack would fit in one. I'll have to remember to buy one after my week in the hostel is over and I move to a new one (if I need to), or when I finally move to a flat somewhere.
...This keyboard is interesting. The quotation marks are above the 2 key and the @ is where the " would be on an American keyboard. And the return key is a little bit sideways to the # key so I hit # instead of enter a lot. Plus £ and € are actually on the keyboard and not in some "special character" box you have to jump thru hoops to access.
I am quite nervous because I would like to be employed within a month max, but my skills are very limited and I am monolingual. I think the whole world is having a bit of a jobs crisis. And I've never written a cover letter before.
We'll see, I s'pose...
pax.
So far my experience of Ireland has been awesome--minus one thing. Daddy convinced me not to take a regular suitcase, just two backpacks--a hiking backpack and his rucksack, and I added a stuff sack to the top of the hiking backpack because I had just a little more stuff to put in. Since I am going to stay here for a YEAR, after all. Total amount of stuff I have brought: 72 lbs. Now, it is very low maintenance to bring less than you weigh in stuff to live somewhere for a year, BUT... the most I should be carrying on my back for any length of time is only about 40 lbs, not freakin' 70. Since I have no wheels, I had to carry it all... on the bus, down the street... my neck and shoulders hate me now. The stuff is now (somewhat) safely stowed at my hostel, which I can check in to at 14:00 (it's 11:00 now), but man it was hard to haul up here.
And I had help. I asked a gentle old man directions to Aston Quay and he walked there with me, warning me about pickpockets and charlatans and telling me about cheap places to buy food and telling me that there were cheaper hostels I could've picked than the one I did. He was really sweet and nice and when we were halfway to my hostel he insisted he take my 30 lb backpack and he seriously carried it all the way to the hostel for me, and left a lot of parting advice. He's gonna be playing Irish music on Grafton Street today and tomorrow, so I'm going to look for him again and try to find him and say hello. And maybe get more advice--it was hard to hear him in the street with his accent and quiet voice so I only got like half of what he said.
I saw some little wheely grocery carry things for €10 on the way down here. idk if I can remember where to find them but at least my stuff sack and a slightly-unpacked rucksack would fit in one. I'll have to remember to buy one after my week in the hostel is over and I move to a new one (if I need to), or when I finally move to a flat somewhere.
...This keyboard is interesting. The quotation marks are above the 2 key and the @ is where the " would be on an American keyboard. And the return key is a little bit sideways to the # key so I hit # instead of enter a lot. Plus £ and € are actually on the keyboard and not in some "special character" box you have to jump thru hoops to access.
I am quite nervous because I would like to be employed within a month max, but my skills are very limited and I am monolingual. I think the whole world is having a bit of a jobs crisis. And I've never written a cover letter before.
We'll see, I s'pose...
pax.
05 September 2011
monasticism in daily life
As I prepare for my journey to Ireland (WHICH IS COMING UP IN TWO DAYS WHATAMIGOINGTODO), I am reflecting on how the monastic ideal touches us lay folk. Me in particular.
Packing up my things is a very interesting experience for me this time around. I am no stranger to it, since I moved every two years of my childhood--sometimes more often, but never less. I have lived in nine different U.S. States (in order, not including repeats: Oklahoma, Virginia, North Carolina, California, Hawai'i, Texas, Alaska, Ohio, and Colorado) and two different cities in Japan (Zama and Tokyo). The number of addresses I have had in my life is staggering: twenty.
Twenty.
I am only twenty-two years old.
I was a bit of a packrat as a small child, but by middle school I had been cured of the habit. Every year, whether we moved or not, we would go through our things and discard or give away what we didn't use or need anymore. I grew to be ruthless in this practice, whittling down my wardrobe only to pieces I wear at least once a month (in their proper season), keeping only the knickknacks with an extra awesome- or nostalgia-factor, tossing instantly anything that I could easily do without. My giant collection of stuffed animals dwindled down only to those creatures with the most memories packed into their threadbare smiles even before I had outgrown playing with them.
By the time I went off to college I no longer had my parents helping me pack and the US Army paying for the shipping of my stuff. I grew even more ruthless. My first year in college I showed up with two large suitcases for the first month, before retrieving some necessities from my grandparents, with whom I had stored everything else that I owned. I easily had less than half the stuff that my roommate had. I accumulated some furniture when I moved out into an apartment, but gave the desk to my parents for keeping and got rid of the rest when I moved to Alaska, taking only--yeah. Two suitcases and my tenor saxophone.
When I moved to Ohio I took... two suitcases and three boxes that I shipped to myself. I used the suitcases as dressers for an entire year.
You'd think that after four years at college I'd have more stuff to show for it, but I actually have LESS stuff than I originally shipped back to the States after graduating high school. All of it EASILY fit into my small SUV for the long haul to Colorado. I have more books, but less net possessions.
What does this have to do with monasticism?
As I prepare to leave for Ireland, my plans are to take only two backpacks--a large hiking backpack with a frame and a small rucksack--and a duffel bag. I'm packing all my other things up for storage in giant Tupperwares and cardboard boxes. I am getting rid of some things, but I've been so ruthless in the past that I hardly have anything to give away. I can't give everything away because someday--in the distant, unseeable future--I may settle down, put down roots somewhere, and I will need these things then. Sheet sets, comforters, dishes, towels, pictures & posters--that kind of thing. Some things are made of memories and irreplaceable (and have no value to anyone besides me), and the others would be too expensive to replace (considering I've done a lot of that in the past--buying blankets, for example, then moving somewhere without them and having to buy them again).
It is really weird, though, to pack things up and realize you're not going to see or use them for an entire year, if not longer. Taking only what is necessary for survival and minimal comfort. This is a semi-monastic ideal--deciding what is necessary to live on and subsisting on that; little more. Having an attitude that leans toward, "yeah, I can do without that."
Rather than staying rooted in one place, however, as monastics do, I am wandering the world. I think I'm a bit restless. It's a pattern I found myself unable to break free from... I tried, I really did, to go to the same college for four years and beat my record of only living in one town for three years (although we did have three separate houses, and I went to two different schools). After a year and a half, I had to leave, and it wasn't anybody's fault... I just wasn't supposed to be at A&M anymore. When I graduated from high school I talked endlessly of settling down, rooting myself somewhere so deep and thoroughly that I would be torn to pieces before I could be shifted yet again.
I don't know if I am capable of that.
I don't know if I ever was. And I don't know if that's what I really want anymore. I want to exist in the present, to discover what it means to be truly human, without hiding behind possessions and habits and preconceived notions. In my case, to do that I have to continue leaving things behind. I cannot be too attached to any thing in this world, any place, any community.
Perhaps this is a preparation for my death--the ultimate voyage. Not that it's coming anytime soon, but this is part of being truly human, after all... dealing with that nagging question of mortality. I probably shouldn't wax too philosophical about it, however. Most of all this is a desire to experience life to the fullest I am capable, and to do that I cannot grow lazy, complacent; too comfortable.
I'm going to go with the hand God dealt me and become the nomad I was raised to be.
Don't forget me, though, eh? Relationships are what make this such an awesome life... if it weren't for my rootlessness, I wouldn't know all the wonderful people whom I know, wouldn't have met half as many as I've met and loved. I don't plan on forgetting anyone, at least.
pax.
Packing up my things is a very interesting experience for me this time around. I am no stranger to it, since I moved every two years of my childhood--sometimes more often, but never less. I have lived in nine different U.S. States (in order, not including repeats: Oklahoma, Virginia, North Carolina, California, Hawai'i, Texas, Alaska, Ohio, and Colorado) and two different cities in Japan (Zama and Tokyo). The number of addresses I have had in my life is staggering: twenty.
Twenty.
I am only twenty-two years old.
I was a bit of a packrat as a small child, but by middle school I had been cured of the habit. Every year, whether we moved or not, we would go through our things and discard or give away what we didn't use or need anymore. I grew to be ruthless in this practice, whittling down my wardrobe only to pieces I wear at least once a month (in their proper season), keeping only the knickknacks with an extra awesome- or nostalgia-factor, tossing instantly anything that I could easily do without. My giant collection of stuffed animals dwindled down only to those creatures with the most memories packed into their threadbare smiles even before I had outgrown playing with them.
By the time I went off to college I no longer had my parents helping me pack and the US Army paying for the shipping of my stuff. I grew even more ruthless. My first year in college I showed up with two large suitcases for the first month, before retrieving some necessities from my grandparents, with whom I had stored everything else that I owned. I easily had less than half the stuff that my roommate had. I accumulated some furniture when I moved out into an apartment, but gave the desk to my parents for keeping and got rid of the rest when I moved to Alaska, taking only--yeah. Two suitcases and my tenor saxophone.
When I moved to Ohio I took... two suitcases and three boxes that I shipped to myself. I used the suitcases as dressers for an entire year.
You'd think that after four years at college I'd have more stuff to show for it, but I actually have LESS stuff than I originally shipped back to the States after graduating high school. All of it EASILY fit into my small SUV for the long haul to Colorado. I have more books, but less net possessions.
What does this have to do with monasticism?
As I prepare to leave for Ireland, my plans are to take only two backpacks--a large hiking backpack with a frame and a small rucksack--and a duffel bag. I'm packing all my other things up for storage in giant Tupperwares and cardboard boxes. I am getting rid of some things, but I've been so ruthless in the past that I hardly have anything to give away. I can't give everything away because someday--in the distant, unseeable future--I may settle down, put down roots somewhere, and I will need these things then. Sheet sets, comforters, dishes, towels, pictures & posters--that kind of thing. Some things are made of memories and irreplaceable (and have no value to anyone besides me), and the others would be too expensive to replace (considering I've done a lot of that in the past--buying blankets, for example, then moving somewhere without them and having to buy them again).
It is really weird, though, to pack things up and realize you're not going to see or use them for an entire year, if not longer. Taking only what is necessary for survival and minimal comfort. This is a semi-monastic ideal--deciding what is necessary to live on and subsisting on that; little more. Having an attitude that leans toward, "yeah, I can do without that."
Rather than staying rooted in one place, however, as monastics do, I am wandering the world. I think I'm a bit restless. It's a pattern I found myself unable to break free from... I tried, I really did, to go to the same college for four years and beat my record of only living in one town for three years (although we did have three separate houses, and I went to two different schools). After a year and a half, I had to leave, and it wasn't anybody's fault... I just wasn't supposed to be at A&M anymore. When I graduated from high school I talked endlessly of settling down, rooting myself somewhere so deep and thoroughly that I would be torn to pieces before I could be shifted yet again.
I don't know if I am capable of that.
I don't know if I ever was. And I don't know if that's what I really want anymore. I want to exist in the present, to discover what it means to be truly human, without hiding behind possessions and habits and preconceived notions. In my case, to do that I have to continue leaving things behind. I cannot be too attached to any thing in this world, any place, any community.
Perhaps this is a preparation for my death--the ultimate voyage. Not that it's coming anytime soon, but this is part of being truly human, after all... dealing with that nagging question of mortality. I probably shouldn't wax too philosophical about it, however. Most of all this is a desire to experience life to the fullest I am capable, and to do that I cannot grow lazy, complacent; too comfortable.
I'm going to go with the hand God dealt me and become the nomad I was raised to be.
Don't forget me, though, eh? Relationships are what make this such an awesome life... if it weren't for my rootlessness, I wouldn't know all the wonderful people whom I know, wouldn't have met half as many as I've met and loved. I don't plan on forgetting anyone, at least.
pax.
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